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Back You are here: Home Sex, Gender & Sexuality Diversity - [Archived] Queer Submission is not an excuse to be spineless

Submission is not an excuse to be spineless

submissionIs it really necessary for a submissive to gain basic permissions for bathrooms and smoke breaks and ordering what they would like, when out in public? Viola is concerned about what she sees as a trend for submissives becoming silent shadowers of their dominant.

12 September 2010

Here is a trend that I have found becoming more and more present in the world of the submissive: Spinelessness and an inability to stand on their own when not attended by their dominant.

I am encountering this trend all along the way, from munches to evenings out. Day to day I have noticed submissives being the silent shadowing presence behind their partners. And this is starting to annoy me.

I am a submissive woman. I know I am a submissive. I have a person I submit to, but that does not mean that I am not an active part of my own existence.

Many people in the communities look at me and see I am outspoken, attentive, funny, witty and social and they start thinking I am the dominant one instead of my partner.

But that is not the case and I cannot understand these people who have the idea that to be submissive is to lose your personality and become another person’s shadow.

Being submissive does not mean that you give up your right to have a say, or your basic needs as a person. It means that you give yourself over to another but you are not to be the hidden, unspoken piece of furniture behind them (This is of course unless they are into that sort of thing or are in punishment mode).

But this is becoming something of a worry to me that we have so many charming and lovely submissive men and women but we never really get to see much of them if they are claimed and with a person who thinks silence and statuary are what they are for in public.

To be fair I know a ton of other submissives in my life that are very much not a blank slate – they are bubbly and excitable, fascinating and deeply intellectual. They are their own person, flirting and funny, interacting and reacting like the average person. And their relationship with their chosen one is perfectly fine.

I guess my beef is with the submissives that just become an empty box once they discover themselves, although I know this is also true of people who are not in the kink world. There are people everywhere that are so weak willed and so passive about everything that they cannot seem to logically process thoughts and make proper decisions for themselves without someone telling them what to do.

I know most doms/dommes like to run a tight ship but when out in public or in the real world, is it really necessary for a submissive to gain basic permissions for bathrooms and smoke breaks and ordering what they would like? I can see that being a rule in the homestead but when you are out having drinks and being around people do you really need to keep up the act?

This is a pet peeve of mine and I know it is something that works in many BDSM relationships and it makes the relationship function at its best. But I could never see it as something I would choose to do. I am trying to understand why it is happening and what is causing such a loss of self.

I have met many doms/dommes that are single and many submissives and switches that are single, and you can see the strength of person, the vibrance of self. And many that have been in the lifestyle for some time still have this and still make it very true in everything they do.

It just seems that once in a while you come across a paired couple and you only really get to know the dominant one because the submissive sits back and is un-animated through the whole exchange.

I think the real reason I cannot accept this is because it is something I fear the most from entering a BDSM relationship. At this time I do not have a master or a gop that I serve. I have a mostly vanilla relationship with someone I plan to spend my life with. But I am not against finding myself a true dominant, I am just fearful of such a thing, mainly because I do not want to become this silent, maid, shadow-like person.

I want to be able to still be myself, interact and enjoy the conversations and company of those around me as an active member. So the idea that I would have to conform and become a shelled out blank of myself scares me.

And to be fair, that is not what is happening to these submissives who take on the mindset to be shadowing forms. I know it is not – they are still themselves and I am sure they are able to express themselves to the fullness of their being. I just never get to see it because I am faced with the quiet stoic faces of someone to cowed under to really talk to me.

And no matter where I go, from Vancouver to Calgary I am finding so many submissives that have taken on this idea that to be submissive you have to submit to everything and everyone – meaning from morning to-night you agree and take it from everyone: the mailman, the clerks in a store, your boss, your friends, your parents.

No matter what you feel or how you think you let others around you dictate your life instead of making your own choices, you just go along with whatever someone more dominant (or you perceive as more dominant than yourself) wants you to do.

To be submissive does not mean you are the world’s doormat, it means that when you find the right person you can make a choice to submit to them and enjoy the wonders of submission. It does not in any way mean you just let anyone and everyone dictate your life.

Viola is a 20-something lady, exploring and writing about her life in kink and her forays into BDSM, from the realms of suburbia in Canada. She blogs at Mindful Matters where this post first appeared.

Image: Courtesy of Janine via Flickr. Issued under a Creative Commons licence.

 

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